Saturday, September 25, 2010

Lyrics, man...Damn.

Times of Trouble by Temple of the Dog

When the spoon is hot
And the needle's sharp
And you drift away
I can hear you say
That the world in black
Is upon your back
And your body shakes
So you ditch away
And you close the shades

Don't try to do it
Don't try to kill your time
You might do it
Then you can't change your mind
You've got a hold on to your time
Till your break through these
Times of trouble

When you try to talk
And the words get hard
And they put you down
Don't you stay
Don't you ditch away

I saw you swinging
Swinging your mother's sword
I know you're playing but
Sometimes the rules get hard
But if somebody left you out on a ledge
If somebody pushed you over the edge
If somebody loved you and left you for dead
You got to hold on to your time till you break
Through these times of trouble

Thursday, September 16, 2010

My Higher Power Is Tyler Durden

In recovery, you need a higher power. What you refer to this is not as important as just putting control in it instead of yourself.

Agnostics and atheists in 12-step programs start off having an issue with this because they think they have to have a belief in God. That's not the case, really. The group conscience in the meetings you go to can be your higher power. As long as it is something bigger than yourself...that's what matters.

My higher power is Tyler Durden. Let me clarify that I don't mean specifically the fictional character from "Fight Club". I'm not putting my faith into an anarchist who looks like Brad Pitt. It's just what I call my higher power.

I'm going to go off the movie here in my explanation, not the book (which I've read). The concept is that Ed Norton's character created Tyler to free himself from his life, basically. "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

Bingo. Me being in control of my life in my addiction didn't fuckin' work out all that well. So I've turned over my will and life to something bigger than whatever is out there in everyone and everything. But I refer to that presence around me as Tyler. With him in control, I let go of everything since I have no control over anything. "Tyler" leads me through my day in ways that I recently couldn't. I consider other people rather than just myself. I don't try to look at the angles in each situation I'm in...I am living my life again, and I'm trying to rebuild.

I couldn't manage my own life by myself, and I still can't. I lean on my support network and I put Mr. Durden in the driver's seat. This may sound crazy, but it works for me right now. Things will change as I move forward in recovery. We'll see what happens.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sir Paul McCartney Needs To Quit Making Me Feel Like Shit

"For No One"

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words
Of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't
Feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her
When she says her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone
But now he's gone
She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things
She said will fill your head
You won't forget her

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

Monday, September 13, 2010

"Serenity Now"? I'd Settle For "Sanity Now"

Sometimes I think that maybe it's the 12-Step Program that has me stuck inside my own head. I want to think that if it were just up to me I'd just be clean and sober and go about my business, no fuss or bullshit.


I've tried it my way the first half of this year. I don't know if you've noticed, but it didn't quite work out. At this point, I don't think I can't do it my way anymore. I don't know how I'm going to join real life...or "society", if you will. It's too big to think about, so we're just going to do the "one day at a time" thing and go from there.

I made several realizations this past week that have helped me deal with my damaged personal life. Out of respect to the past and to the girl I still love, I'm not going to go into any details. I do want to report that I have moved forward significantly because of these realizations/revelations. About fucking time.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Starting Over

From June 11th: "I've been going through the toughest time of my life."

Yeah...little did I know, I was really about to go through shit. Two weeks after I wrote that, I found myself single and jobless. Shortly thereafter, homeless and broke. Let's throw in my alcohol-related convictions putting a strain on job hunting and you've got yourself a personal hell.

At this point, I'm still pulling myself out of the hole I'm in, but at least I'm not at the bottom anymore. For a while there, I was camped out at the bottom with a shovel, digging. With the help of family and a few close friends, I'm making my way back to regular life. I also have a support network that I am building to keep myself from falling back down there.

I've seen the edge and dangled over it...I don't need to go back and take another look. I don't need to, but it's funny/sad how much I want to. Normal life can be fucking boring...that's the biggest danger when it comes to addiction, no matter what that monkey on your back is. You get so bored that your selective memory starts romanticizing your old life. You have to manually "play the tape out" to see what all that old life included.

I'm currently living on the couch of a close friend while working a part-time job (that I was grateful to get). I'll be slowly making several life changes over the next few months. It will be interesting to see where I go from here.