Thursday, September 16, 2010

My Higher Power Is Tyler Durden

In recovery, you need a higher power. What you refer to this is not as important as just putting control in it instead of yourself.

Agnostics and atheists in 12-step programs start off having an issue with this because they think they have to have a belief in God. That's not the case, really. The group conscience in the meetings you go to can be your higher power. As long as it is something bigger than yourself...that's what matters.

My higher power is Tyler Durden. Let me clarify that I don't mean specifically the fictional character from "Fight Club". I'm not putting my faith into an anarchist who looks like Brad Pitt. It's just what I call my higher power.

I'm going to go off the movie here in my explanation, not the book (which I've read). The concept is that Ed Norton's character created Tyler to free himself from his life, basically. "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

Bingo. Me being in control of my life in my addiction didn't fuckin' work out all that well. So I've turned over my will and life to something bigger than whatever is out there in everyone and everything. But I refer to that presence around me as Tyler. With him in control, I let go of everything since I have no control over anything. "Tyler" leads me through my day in ways that I recently couldn't. I consider other people rather than just myself. I don't try to look at the angles in each situation I'm in...I am living my life again, and I'm trying to rebuild.

I couldn't manage my own life by myself, and I still can't. I lean on my support network and I put Mr. Durden in the driver's seat. This may sound crazy, but it works for me right now. Things will change as I move forward in recovery. We'll see what happens.