Saturday, November 20, 2010

I Am Not House

A friend of mine said, "Dude, you're House now." This would be due to the injury and pain medication dominating my waking hours. He was being "hilarious" and not that serious, I imagine.

Funny thing is, my icon on instant messenger programs like AOL IM/iChat was a picture of Hugh Laurie as "House", and it is one of my favorite shows. If you have a show where the lead character is a drug-addicted asshole, chances are I'll be a fan (see: Californication).

You ask me if I want to be House, I'd have to ask, "Which season?" I don't want to be the Dr. House stuck in the looney bin or being harassed by a cop with an agenda. For a while, I wanted to be that character, and in a lot of ways I was. I kicked ass at my day job at a video game company, I had the attitude, and I was a full-blown addict. Of course, "House, MD" is just a fucking TV show, but even in fiction the character struggled with his demons and addiction. Well, guess have I. I don't work at that job anymore for a reason. I self-destruct slowly...but when I blow up, I explode big. It took my apartment and my heart with it.

There's a major "cool" factor that goes along with being a creative fuck-up. Fans of Charles Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson and/or William S. Burroughs will tell you they wished they lived that kind of life, even if just for a little while. Yeah...but there's a whole lot of fucked up shit you have to go through to live that kind of life, whether it be a heroin addict, major alcoholic or gun-toting booze-filled pill-popping journalist. Bukowski drank himself to death, Hunter shot himself when the pain was too great and Burroughs? Well...his bio ain't pretty.

I've been both the world class drunk and the junkie. I just forgot to be successful while doing both. Typical me...rock star lifestyle without the rock star money. That comes out to an assful of debt, major addiction issues, failing health and lots of time to yourself wondering, "What did I do?"

I waited 'til the last minute to clean up my act...I figured losing everything was enough, but I hadn't lost my health. That is what I am paying penance for now. I told a friend of mine the other day that I was like Job, only without being a good guy and close to God.

"So, you're actually more like Sodom and Gomorrah?"
"Okay, yeah...but without the butt sex."

So, all of my experiences and my actions make up what I am and my persona, John Fucking Rabon. JFnR can turn the pain into an interesting blog or a great onstage that makes some audience members uncomfortable but most laugh and say, "I'm glad that didn't happen to me! Yuk Yuk!"

As for the real me, I'm pretty sure my self-destructing days are behind me. The problem is how to put Humpty Dumpty back together now. I've been to the edge, and I'll never be the same because of it. I made it back alive, but I brought back with me some major scars and a felony conviction (oops). How do I get back on track and back into society? The jury is out on that. I guess stay tuned? It's going to take some work, some time and a shitload of help from people who care about me. And thank Christ, there are actually people who care.

So, no, I am not House. And I don't want to be him anymore.