Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Hope This Ruins Romantic Comedies For You

This is for my friends and others who choose to watch awful buckets of shit romantic comedies knowing quite well that they are assisting in the death of creativity's soul.

"Hey, it was free...I saw it online."
"I got it through Netflix."

You know what's free online? A video of Tom Sizemore having sex. Yeah, that's right. THAT guy.

Just because it's available doesn't me I'm gonna watch it.

"I needed something to watch with this chick on our first date."

Way to make that first impression be, "I have no judgment and secretly pleasure myself to Ashton Kutcher and Justin Long."

"Dude, Charlie Day/Zach Galafianakis has a small part in it."

Remember when you thought Jack Black was funny? He found himself appearing in horrible films/TV shows and thought he could scat his way through it. Insert "scat means poop!" joke here.

Some people are naturally hysterical, but helps to have a Judd Apatow, Rob McElhenney/Glenn Howerton, Joel/Ethan Coen behind you providing "kitten mittens" or "shut the fuck up, Donnie".

Please quit trying to fill 90 minutes with awkward situations and misunderstandings...Obviously, someone finds this funny since they're releasing a 3rd Focker movie. "Meet the Holiday Paycheck" I think it's called.

Seriously, fuck you Ben Stiller. I know the plan is for everyone to despise you by the end of your movies at the same time generating sympathy from the movie-going sheep. No sympathy from me, asshole. All you have to do is get everybody together in a room and straight up ask "what's the deal", clear up the misunderstandings and go have fucking turkey. "Why even bother?" GAH, I hope she leaves you for somebody taller!

If you start demanding enough indie films that kick ass, it could possibly generate a small fad. Probably not, but it's worth checking out an unknown blond actress in something you've never heard of instead of watching Isla Fisher fall down again while fighting your natural gut feeling that this girl should not be getting as much work as she currently is.

Or you know what? Forget it. Enjoy "Along Came Polly".

(Seriously, go fuck yourself, Ben Stiller.)