Saturday, March 26, 2011

The First 45 Days

Treatment feels like summer camp crossed with jail.
"Here you will develop the tools you need to change your life. Everyone comes here with lots of baggage."
That's goddamn right.
"You're minimizing, man. I think you need to open up and let those feelings out."
How long have I been repressing my emotions? Shit...
"Take your mask off, brother. Everyone here has been where you're at."
And I thought I was original.
"Can you see your ears? That's by design. When you share, your peers are going to see things that you can't."
Pain. Guilt. Remembering hurts.
"Positive affirmations aren't just empty things we say. Believe them. You are a good person who has done bad things."
Damn my legs hurt. Fucking softball. I've gained 8 pounds already. Time to hit the weight room again.
"Good game, guys. We're playing again tomorrow."
I'm really trying to get recovery this time. I need to help out with everything I can.
"You really listen to me, dude. That was good advice."
I'm here for you, brother.
"Read the letter you wrote to your friend. It's time."
Damn you for making me do this. Escaping grief with dope was a selfish, fucked thing to do. I can't let Hunter go.
"John, we don't forget those we love. We learn to live with the loss, but we can also honor their memory. Cherish the friendship...Use this opportunity to live...for you...and for your friend."
I'm tired of fucking things up.
"You remind me of myself when I got here. Have you ever forgiven yourself? It was the hardest thing I ever did, but you need to do it."
I've never done that. Wow.
"You deserve recovery. Don't forget that."
Is addiction a disease? I think it's more of a neurological disorder...does it matter? Treatment for it is the same, whatever you call it. Dive in.
"These arbitrary rules and the little bickering going's all bullshit. Focus on what matters. I know I look like I don't care...truth is, I care about what truly matters."
I am powerless over other people's actions. I need to quit trying to control everything and just let go. Heh...Fight Club.
"You really like that meditation shit, don't you?"
I don't have to believe my thoughts. Feelings come from them...but I can challenge those thoughts and not immediately act on them.
"Time to go out there, look for work, go to in the real world. Call someone if you feel like using."
There sure are a lot of bars downtown. thanks.
"Get up, asshole! We're going to a meeting!"
Hell of an alarm clock.
"I've seen a change in you, bro. You're not trying so looks like you believe it now."
I connected with something greater than myself. I can't explain it - spirituality, not religion. I feel it.
"They found Cage this morning. He's dead."
No. Of all people...God, why?
"Listen,'re a smart motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'? Get out of your head, can do a lot out there. We need you, make me laugh. You care about people. Those are gifts, homey. Use that shit."
Damn, dude. I won't squander this, I promise.
"Halfway there, John. How do you feel?"
60 days clean. I've never had 60 days clean and sober before. I'm still scared.
"Being afraid is natural and healthy. It's when you're overconfident that you can let that guard down. Work your recovery. And don't ever forget."
Forget what?
"What got you here. The good. The bad. Your family. Your friends. Everything."
Thank you.
"What are you going to do? You going to stay in San Antonio or go somewhere else?"
I'm just walking the path. We'll see where it leads.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. - Lao Tzu