Thursday, April 4, 2013

Excerpts of My Journal Entries in Travis County Custody

IX-13-2012 (Day 2)
Reading "Simulations of God" by Dr. John C. Lilly. I've been put in the trustee means I work every night and get my own cell vs. getting shipped out to Del Valle for fuck knows how long. I work 11pm-4am on the paint crew...then I sleep all day.

Reading "The Cleaner" by...who cares. Guys in here like "Two and a Half Men" way too much. Saw half of "Ocean's Eleven" in spanish. I think I can take this nicotine patch off (he said, 4 days later).

State of realistic indifference. Court in a couple of weeks? Who knows. This is the worst summer camp ever.

"Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. The phone system we have to use is bullshit. It's expensive AND unreliable. Double threat.

I get no commissary because Travis County took 3 days to post a credit card transaction onto my books. No coffee or snacks. The Pony Express was faster than Travis County Jail's mail system. An old lady with a walker could have delivered a letter from Luling to Austin before the mail room would.

An hour of "rec" 4 days a week. The rec yard is on the roof of the building. I wasn't going to go today, but why not?
Watched the sunrise...then we were able to see the space shuttle Endeavor's tandem flight directly over the building. I told the sheriff near me that this was the real reason I screwed up my probation. The fruits of my master plan...
Reading "Twelfth Night". Shakespeare on the roof. "O Time, thou must untangle this, not I. It is too hard a knot for me t' untie!"

IX-21-12 (Day 10)
Playing chess every day. The skill of a chess player in County is directly proportional to the amount of time they have done or are doing.
Everyone tells me I'll probably go to court next week. Good...then maybe I can get the hell out of here. I feel like they just threw me in here and forgot about me. They can't tell me anything. That's for my "attorney" to do. attorney. I'll give that imaginary fella a call and throw wads of imaginary money at him.

No internet or cell phone...just basic TV and newspaper. I feel like it's 1994.
I do not have any faith in the Travis County system. I need to set my expectations realistically. It's okay and normal to be feel let down. Just don't let it crush my spirit. Fate/Karma keeping me in place as long as is needed.

"Much Ado About Nothing" -- because there's plenty of Shakespeare to read here, and it beats the fuck out of Dean Koontz.
What the hell is "50 Shades of Grey"? I miss Google.

IX-27-12 (Day 16)
I have court today. How does one sleep when waiting for court?
Here I go.
There I went. I will be waiting for a bed in the SMART program. 2-3 weeks they say. 5 months in the SMART program. Then I'm a goddamn resident of Austin again, against my will, it seems. I get to miss my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day...hooray.
Do you know what's it's like to lose everything? How about twice?

What do you want to do, John?
Who do you want to be, now?

Boy, this quitting smoking program doesn't fuck around.

RIP, Hunter. 4 years. Miss you, bro. I need to complete all of this for you, in addition to doing it for me.
Lot's of time to just think. I have a good time-killing schedule down. I scrape paint from 11pm to 4am, eat...sleep...get up and eat lunch at 10, sleep...get up and eat dinner at 4pm. Work out. Watch shitty TV. Read. Write. Eat snacks. Repeat.

I need to make myself write...about anything...just to do it. I'm starting to let little things annoy me.
Everybody in here has a story. Habitual criminals will tell it multiple times to whoever will listen...or whoever doesn't stop them from telling the same story again. It's the story of how they ended up here. It's almost always not their fault. The cop was being an asshole...bad luck, bad timing...their friend fucked up. The more times they tell the story, the bigger the lie gets. They tell it repeatedly, I believe, so they can convince themselves it's true. "I'm not here because I screwed up...Somebody's out to get me, that's what's up!"
Every day, a new group of people come into TCJ. They're all the same.
There's the young kid who asks a million questions because he's been popped for his first DWI and "doesn't belong here". "When am I going to get out of here?" You've been here half a fucking day. Settle down.
An older career man weeping who thinks his life is over because of his DWI. It's fine, dude. It's just going to cost you a shitload of money. You'll be back to drinking recklessly at happy hour in no time. You're out in 36 hours. Must be nice.
There's the loud-mouth defiant asshole who is trying to make a big show for...who exactly? We're all in county, slick...there's no gangs to join.

Reading "Richard III". I convinced myself I'd be back in San Antonio by now. I should have known I would eventually have to pay. Karma is a bitch.
There's no Buddhist/Taoist/Zen literature here. I put in a request anyway. Maybe the post officer will get a big laugh out of it.

My friend in here Hudson is going to SMART too. At least I'll know someone.
There's no explanation as to what SMART stands for. The post officers don't's not written anywhere on the info they gave me. Scared Monkeys Ate Ripe Tomatoes.

Two reasons to call the cops on a drunk guy: 1) He's becoming violent (Call the cops!), or 2) He's becoming a mess (Call the cops, gross).

Justin: Second cousin...hmm...Hey John, what do you call your cousin's daughter?
John: Dateable?
Justin: Dude...

They shipped off my chess opponent to TDC. Oscar's off the grid for 2 years at least.
When you have limited access to art, you appreciate what you see/hear more. It's hard to stay an elitist or hipster in lockup.
Who am I without drugs or booze? How do I have feelings and emotions like a normal person again?
SMART program...20 weeks...Sometimes My Alcoholism Ruins Toasters?

Reading "Mythology" by Edith Hamilton. Dionysus - God of Wine. The Greeks saw the duality. Wine is bad and good - a power that made men commit frightful and atrocious crimes as well as wine being a merry maker. Man's benefactor and destroyer.
Every moment I spend in my cell (I call it my dojo), I'm enveloped in thought. I don't want to drink again. I've learned my lesson (again). Blah blah blah. 20 weeks. So Many Assholes Receive Treatment. We have a winner!

Been here almost a month and I just now finally have socks. Never thought of socks as a luxury.

Nick Curran died on Saturday. I got to find out via the newspaper. Shitty. Hudson's right...slaps you in the face that life is short. I prefer "fleeting". Appreciate what you have. Stop wasting it.
RIP, Nick.

There's a loud inmate who just got here that is completely full of shit. It's guys like this that make me wish we had access to just Wikipedia...just to look stuff up and say, "BULLSHIT!"
30 minutes of me overhearing how Jesus had a wife and that she was in the original photo of the Last Supper. Yeah. Somebody watched the "Da Vinci Code" fucked up and remembered that (kinda) and that Tom Hanks was in it.
Leonardo Da Vinci, time-traveling photographer?

Been here a month. It's not always about you, John. I wish I wasn't a burden to my family anymore.
Regarding the VP debate last night: In-depth knowledge of something I cannot control or change and that I have no interest in is a waste of my time.
What do I really think? I think time served and a scram device to detect booze should have been enough. I think someone here should have talked to both of my probation officers in San Antonio to see how I was doing. Maybe take into consideration the meetings, good reports and 15 month employment after voluntarily going to rehab! Instead, they want me to pull $1400 out of my now unemployed ass, pay for an alcohol monitor while living in this fucking city for at least 6 months, finding a job and residence and ignoring 14 years of drug and alcohol history that every inch of Austin reminds me of. Hell, maybe I can go back to sleeping on Windy's couch and revert to full-blown depression while I'm at it.
Yeah, I'm angry. No worries...I'll be wrapping myself in a lukewarm blanket of indifference shortly.

"A dark world aches for a splash of the sun"
Be honest with yourself. You can fool everyone else (pretend you can), but to thine own self be true. Yes, I need this program...regardless of how good or bad it is. It's run by the county...I'm sure it's not bureaucratic at all and is managed logically.
Vacation from I come. Let's "grow".

"Why do you drink and do drugs?" Because I'm an alcoholic and a junkie.
Long answer? To numb feelings and emotions. This protects me from being hurt again by love or feeling pain and sadness. I also get drunk/high to attempt to recapture the past as I do not like the idea of getting old.
But that's all my Intro to Psych analysis.
Talking about Lance Armstrong in the newspaper. Do the ends justify the means when you think about the cancer foundation? I think it would be a warm change for someone to have some fucking integrity...because at the end of the day, you know you've sold your soul.
...said the guy in county jail.

They're going to transfer us (me and Hudson) tomorrow, on my birthday.
There is a threshold that one crosses when they get arrested/convicted one too many times where they go from a person trying to be good to becoming a repeat offender. Their mindset changes...everything they say is tainted with bullshit to make themselves look better. They are always looking for a way to get something for nothing. Everything is an angle, a grift. I thought like this as a junkie.
One can continue in this mindset all the way back here...or to prison...or you can have outside thinking...where you think like a free person. Elevate over the shit or be trapped deep in it. Inside thinking will see you right back inside.

Meaning of Life: This movie that's my life...I want my movie to have a well-rounded plot and character development. That's about it.

Happy birthday to me.

(Transferred to the SMART Program)