Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Giving Back? How About Just Giving?

One thing I've discovered is that getting clean and sober does not make you a better person. Big shock there.

No, what happens is that once you're sober, you become acutely aware of how much you suck. "Wow, I'm am a douchebag. Yikes. If I gotta be around me all the time, I need to change some shit."

That's where my weekly projects come in. I've worked on empathy (with some success) and passive aggressiveness (that one needs work). They need to be ongoing, especially improving my diet and that whole smoking thing.

This week may be challenging...and I'm kind of irritated and ashamed that I think it'll be hard. I want to perform truly selfless acts daily. I say "truly selfless" meaning helping someone else without the desire for anything in return, including recognition or thanks. That means doing something without anyone knowing but yourself...and to fight your ego that says, "what's the point?"

In recovery, the saying goes, "we keep what we have only by giving it away", which is fine. Help others stay sober keeps you sober. But I feel a bit differently about this.

I don't want to do a bunch of good deeds to outweigh the bad ones I've done. Initially, that's what I was thinking. Now, however, I want to help other people because frankly, there's a lot of shitty, selfish people in the world. Me, me, me...I sure as hell was for a long time. I don't want to be one of those people that do good things because I'm trying to get into heaven.

I just think it's time to stop being a taker.

And since I don't have philanthropist money, and I don't wear a mask and a cape (not in public anyway), I need to start off small. Just do something positive, something right...something for another human being. It's the least I can do, right?