Thursday, May 2, 2013

"No Fear?" "Fear?" "FEAR."

I was having a cigarette outside a few moments ago, contemplating what to write about...and debating on when I was going to attempt quitting smoking. Again. The guys here at the sober house told me that the same raccoon comes by every night, checks the outside trash can, occasionally the ash tray, then leaves. They said he was a very large raccoon.

We just met. That was a big fucking raccoon.

What was truly unnerving was not that he did just what the fellas said he would: strolled into the yard, went up on the porch, sniffed around, strolled off. It was that I was about 10 feet away, and he didn't give a shit. No fear. In disbelief, I actually asked him, "Seriously? I'm right here, man." He glanced at me and went about his business. Impressive.

What did you fear in the past that you've overcome or outgrown? What scares you today?

I used to be afraid of bees. At the rehab in San Antonio, there were a ton of them buzzing around the smoking area because the trash cans were always filled with soda cans. You had to either deal with them or not smoke. After 90 days, a bee could land on me and not generate a reaction. Now I find the sound of them fairly soothing.

Due to my control issues, I've always been a horrible passenger. If you've ever given me a ride somewhere in the past, I probably made you aware that while I was thankful for the lift, I thought you drove horribly and I was afraid for my life as I gripped your oh-shit handle.

I had to ask myself many times while I was in Travis County treatment, why do I have to be in control? Do I fear death or just the unexpected in general?

When you take a little trip to the edge and come back, you have to pause, I believe, and really try to grasp how you should be dead but you're not. Maybe that makes you thankful for your life. Or maybe it makes you less scared of dying. Or both. Or maybe you just go right back to doing whatever it is that sent you to the edge in the first place. C'est la vie.

There's some irony for you: I've had a borderline unhealthy obsession with Fight Club and yet the two things I needed to do were the biggest principles in the movie and book. Why yes, Tyler, I do need to quit trying to control everything and just let go. And I do need to let what does not matter truly slide.

I dislike feeling we all do. My immediate reaction now is to confront it when it hits me and challenge my own thinking and beliefs. Sometimes it works, sometimes...the fear resurfaces.

Maybe I over think my feelings at times, but I believe it's currently working for me. I think I'll continue.

My main fears a couple of months ago was being in Austin around familiar areas that would trigger memories and feelings, and disappointing my family. Thanks to Travis County Probation for being unoriginal and lazy...I was forced to confront past history, and I've been very successful with support from many of you. This also helps with that fear of disappointment as well...I'm not afraid of failing my family as long as I continue to do my best.

I don't know what I'm scared of today. I guess I'll discover in time. I do know, however, that I am intimidated by that freakshow raccoon. I'll get a picture next time. He'll probably not care.