Thursday, June 27, 2013

How Are You?

"How are you, John?"
"Oh, just struggling with intimacy and addiction issues and the inevitability of my death. How's your day?"

I'm assuming being in therapy is similar in this way to being in treatment: An acquaintance or co-worker asks you how you are, and your initial reaction is to "share"...and just go into everything that's going on with you. Maybe that's how "they" decide you're ready to go back into society...when you can successfully hold your tongue, grit your teeth and fake a smile. "I'm fine. How about you?"

Thought I'd update you, dear reader, on my current status.

First, I am not dealing with any urges to drink. None... like to the point where I'm almost paranoid I'm in for a big fall or some shit. I did overhear a conversation about painkillers that sparked some uneasy thoughts and feelings for about 5 minutes, but that passed.

I'm having some seriously intricate and active dreams since I started wearing a nicotine patch. Take a small detail from the previous day, buried in my subconscious, and it turns into a big blockbuster movie dream that involves cops, a car chase and/or battling demons/monsters/vampires/zombies. I am not complaining.

I have an overwhelming desire to isolate myself for the majority of my week...mostly to just be alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm trying to "figure something out"...but it's hard to come up with an answer if I don't know the question. (42...thank you, got it.) I am aware of the dangers of isolation with addiction, of course. I do try to be a little social. And when I do, I smile and say that I'm fine. Ha.

I actually like dealing with quitting smoking right now. Gives me something different to fight against. My old inner enemies and demons are becoming redundant and boring. I needed a new battle to spice things up.

I am revisiting that love/hate relationship with being informed about local and world events. Yay, I'm aware of what's going on in the world! Boo, it's goddamn depressing! Resisting the urge to put my head back in the sand...mainly because I'm pretty sure the cat just took a shit in there.

I was talking with a house mate of mine, and he was talking about his day and getting stressed out. And then he said, "And then it hit me. Oh yeah, I have an addiction problem. I forgot."

Amen to that. I'm restless and I know what I want to do with my life but I have to be patient...even though I know what I want, why am I unhappy at this exact moment? Okay, that passed, but now I'm unsure about this anxiety hitting me about work today when I know everything will be fine. Why am I nervous about something that isn't fucking going to happen?

That nothing that won't occur is scaring the shit out of me!!!

Oh right. I'm adjusting to being sober and this is all new to me...even 9 months later. I thought I was crazy.

Speaking of which, I know I mumble. The reason I am mumbling is because I am actually talking to myself in your direction so it seems less insane. That is why you didn't hear what I said, and that's why when you asked me, "What did you say", I said, "Never mind." Also, if I make random declarative statements to you at work, it's for me. You just happened to hear them.

And then, at the end of the day, I light a candle...sit still and listen to the silence. Remembering to breathe.

Or I drink too much coffee, listen to "my" music, dose myself with social networking and write.

Yin and Yang.