It didn't help much, because it wasn't just quitting cigarettes. I had switched a couple of days of work with a guy who wanted Friday and Saturday off. So essentially, I only worked for 7 hours between Thursday the 11th and Wednesday the 17th. Nice little time off, right?
I hated it. I was visibly miserable and I avoided doing anything or being around anyone. I enjoyed reading, meditating and skating, but it was bitch to get me motivated to do any of these activities. I was losing motivation.
Then...Thursday. Back to work for 7 of the next 8 days. I worked my ass off Friday and Saturday. And I snapped out of it. The cloud had been lifted. I could tell it was gone after being at work for only a few hours, too. I just went, "Ahhhhh...there I am. There's that fucking Zen again."
That's why I wash dishes, by the way. It's part of my "treatment". I need regular doses or I get snarky. Worst of all, I get complacent. That's really what happened, I think. I knew I didn't have to work for a while, so I kicked back and didn't do much of anything. I believe that's why a nice dose of busting my ass at work put me back on track.
Now, I told you all that to tell you about this:
4 AM is an amazing time of serenity and silence. Last night, I was outside, watching the moon and the clouds roll through the sky over it. I was content that I was back to my normal self and happy to be back working again. My mind was clear as I was in a sort of meditative state.
And then this thought hit me. HARD. It set off a chain of memories, good and bad...a chain of realizations and ideas...a chain of more and more thoughts until everything in my head lined up. At that moment, I figured out the meaning of life for myself, and I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my time on earth and how I was going to live it. It was beautiful.
And something inside me said, "Hey, you might want to write all of this down so that you don't forget it." But I went, "Naw, man...I got this. It's not going away. I need to enjoy this moment. Besides, look at the moon, bro."
Well, I went to bed, at peace with the world. And I woke up, and I don't remember what that main thought was that set off my little epiphany. Whoops.
So yeah, people. That's what I wanted to tell you. I learned something meaningful and felt a divine sense of purpose within myself, and it was supposed to be the defining moment for me moving forward spiritually and emotionally. But I didn't write it down, so...fuck it.
But hey, the moon was pretty, right?
|BETTINA HANSEN / THE SEATTLE TIMES|