Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Moment of Clarity

I found myself in a little bit of a mood last week. I didn't feel like talking to anyone for very long, and I was a bit irritable. At first, I thought it was all due to quitting smoking. So did a couple of the guys at my sober house who proceeded to throw cigarettes at me and say, "Hey, smoke these and calm down." Thank you, enablers (wink wink).

It didn't help much, because it wasn't just quitting cigarettes. I had switched a couple of days of work with a guy who wanted Friday and Saturday off. So essentially, I only worked for 7 hours between Thursday the 11th and Wednesday the 17th. Nice little time off, right?

I hated it. I was visibly miserable and I avoided doing anything or being around anyone. I enjoyed reading, meditating and skating, but it was bitch to get me motivated to do any of these activities. I was losing motivation.

Then...Thursday. Back to work for 7 of the next 8 days. I worked my ass off Friday and Saturday. And I snapped out of it. The cloud had been lifted. I could tell it was gone after being at work for only a few hours, too. I just went, "Ahhhhh...there I am. There's that fucking Zen again."

That's why I wash dishes, by the way. It's part of my "treatment". I need regular doses or I get snarky. Worst of all, I get complacent. That's really what happened, I think. I knew I didn't have to work for a while, so I kicked back and didn't do much of anything. I believe that's why a nice dose of busting my ass at work put me back on track.

Now, I told you all that to tell you about this:

4 AM is an amazing time of serenity and silence. Last night, I was outside, watching the moon and the clouds roll through the sky over it. I was content that I was back to my normal self and happy to be back working again. My mind was clear as I was in a sort of meditative state.

And then this thought hit me. HARD. It set off a chain of memories, good and bad...a chain of realizations and ideas...a chain of more and more thoughts until everything in my head lined up. At that moment, I figured out the meaning of life for myself, and I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my time on earth and how I was going to live it. It was beautiful.

And something inside me said, "Hey, you might want to write all of this down so that you don't forget it." But I went, "Naw, man...I got this. It's not going away. I need to enjoy this moment. Besides, look at the moon, bro."

Well, I went to bed, at peace with the world. And I woke up, and I don't remember what that main thought was that set off my little epiphany. Whoops.

So yeah, people. That's what I wanted to tell you. I learned something meaningful and felt a divine sense of purpose within myself, and it was supposed to be the defining moment for me moving forward spiritually and emotionally. But I didn't write it down, so...fuck it.

But hey, the moon was pretty, right?