Monday, August 19, 2013

What's My Motivation Here?

I wrote that down about 4 months ago. These are still goals of mine. Once I pay off probation by the end of the year, I will add a new goal, which is to save money to move into my own own room, at least. Bob is a great roommate and all, but I don't want to get used to another alcoholic snoring when I try to sleep. No offense, Bob.

Side note: I don't suppose anyone would be interested in a CD called "Natural Sounds of a Recovering Alcoholic Snoring" as a sleep aid? Get back to me on that.

I rarely think about "goals" or "long term" because I am working on embracing the Buddhist concept of "being present". It's just like the Ralph Waldo Emerson saying, "Life is a journey, not a destination." I don't want to be living so much in the past or the future that I miss out on the present moment. It's hard not to think like I used to, regretting or longing to correct or even relive the past and fearing the uncertainty of the future.

I had to change my thinking to change my behavior to change my life. For those of you worried about me dealing with the temptation to drink again, that's not what I struggle with. I struggle with old thought patterns and talking myself into taking it easy and being complacent. This is a daily battle. So far so good.

The other night, one of friends asked me, "What do you want? Like deep there something you really desire that you currently don't have?"

Yeah. There is.

I figured out the reason...the motivation for wanting to move forward. It's why I want to pay off Travis County and get my own living space again. It is also something I didn't share in group or individual counseling...mainly because it more than likely would have lead to more counseling.

I want to be a cat owner again.

This is not a joke. I really miss owning a cat. I miss having a furry ball of disinterest occasionally pay attention to me because they're hungry or bored. I don't feel right having all these black shirts and black work pants without any hair on them. I miss the meowing alarm clock. And the sense of entitlement in an adorable package. I even miss having a box of shit.

(For the record, there's nothing in the sober house rules that says I can't currently have a box of shit in my room. However, a random container of feces and litter sans feline is not satisfactory.)

It's why I like every damn cat picture posted on Facebook. I own a cat vicariously through my friends. By the way, you guys are slacking. There's more pictures of children in my Newsfeed than cats recently, and I'm not happy. Please help restore the balance.

Yes, yes, I also want to grow as a human being, make people and enjoy life and give back to others and blah blah blah...I want a kitty.

That's my motivation.

Miss you, Lucy.