My roommate and good friend Blake is moving to New York, so I am looking for a new residence. I have responded to two listings, and I have not heard back from either in 24 hours. This probably does not mean anything...or it means that I might be providing way too much information. I am aware that I am more upfront and honest about myself than I have ever been in the past, and I should probably practice a tad bit of restraint when responding to people on Craigslist. Typically, your crazy radar is working at full capacity when interacting on that site.
My girlfriend said that finding a place to live is very much like dating. It is walking the line between providing enough information about yourself for the resident(s) and overloading them with way more knowledge about your baggage up front than they were expecting. Regardless, this is an irritating process that I find many ways to avoid doing. I actually spent more time yesterday figuring out the official Instagram account of Grumpy Cat than I did searching for a place. That's about right.
"Hi, my name is John, and I work at Contigo Austin. I am interested in renting the room you have available. I am quiet, I clean after myself, I have no pets, and I pay my bills early or on time. Here is my number."
Okay, just leave it at that. No need to go into more detail, right?
"I wash dishes, by the way. I used to work in an office, but I found it soul wrenching. Dishwashing is way more Zen for me. I am also a stand-up comedian and aspiring writer. I skate and ride the bus everywhere. I don’t drive anymore."
All right, man, that's enough. No need to be too--
"I used to drink and do lots of drugs, but I’m sober now, and I have been for 18 months. That's really why I stopped driving...I was a liability. I also just got off probation, so thankfully, I am a free man. A free man with a record, but who doesn't have one, right?"
Oh dear God.
"I am 40 years old, and I have had a history of really screwing over banks and corporations because my credit rating means nothing to me. It’s all made up anyway."
Okay, I guess let's just move on to the next ad. This one is done.
"I reject materialism and money worship. I think most people live a dream and life thrusted upon them by family and conformity instead of following their heart. This leads them to walk around dying on the inside with fake smiles on the surface."
This could not be worse.
"Life is really just a dream we all have in which we think we're people, but in fact we are all nobody. Time is a flat circle. Anyway, give me a call."
Why don't you promote your blog while you’re at it, you psycho?
"Oh, if you want to know more about me than you ever wanted to: http://www.9thcircleofheck.com."
I was kidding. Welp, this should be a fun month.