Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Daily Struggle

I was cut early at work tonight, so I went to the Velveeta Room on 6th Street to see friends do stand-up. At 11pm, I started walking back to the bus stop to go home. That's when it hit me. 

I really want a couple shots of whiskey and a beer. No, for real...feel your body, John. That's a serious desire for booze, isn't it? 

Jesus, it is. Thankfully, there isn't a bar I'm walking by that I would stop in. Can you imagine having to live with the fact that you relapsed in a place called the Dizzy Rooster? Douchebag joint, no thank you. I'm going to just keep walking…

I could stop in to a tolerable bar close to home, just before last call. It's what I want. 

Why, man? Shitty bars on 6th don't trigger me normally. Where does this overwhelming urge come from? I don't need to be reminded that I'm still a drug addict and alcoholic...I get that I'm not cured, so knock it off. 

It's Friday night and only 11pm. I'm going home alone, and while I normally am perfectly happy with solidarity, this is what I want. 

Need I remind you, John, how much drunk people now annoy you? Look at these club jackasses in front of you. There's a frat idiot trying to carry his wingman through the street to the left of you. Check out those girls pretending not to be cold in those outfits while walking poorly in high heels. Hey look! Intoxicated tourists that are in your age bracket! Yikes. I have to get out of here.

There are decent drinking establishments on the east side. No one will know. 

I'll know. I'll know that I everything I've done for 2 years meant so little to me that I traded it all away due to no self-control. Yeah, that sounds great. I wake up tomorrow with a hangover from three drinks and a crippling guilt trip. I've been pretty guilt-free for some time and a minimal level of stress or worry.

It's pretty cold, though. Whiskey… 

Hahaha, weather as an excuse. That's pretty weak.

Who am I now, really? I'm playing by the rules now? Fine upstanding citizen who is a productive member of a society that I know is all made up and meaningless in the long run. Ooh, let me please everyone and do the "right" I give a shit what they think. When do I get what I deserve, huh? Why can't I do what I want right now? Fuck it, right? 

You know what? I don't want a shot anymore. What's more conventional than an addict relapsing? That's what we do. We fuck up and give in and the success rate of sobriety continues to plummet. We prove our friends and family right who still have doubts about us no matter how supportive they are...It is realistic to have those doubts because we could blow it at any time. Our brains are rewired and there is no completely fixing that.
But maybe I like being broken. Maybe I like still having issues with narcissism and an inflated ego, but I use it to my advantage? Maybe I'm so damn stubborn that I don't give into that urge. Why? Because FUCK YOU, that's why. I am unconventional, I love who I am now, and YOU DON'T GET TO WIN!

Okay, okay, easy...who are you talking about? 

I don't know..."Them". "They". They don't get to win. I...well, it doesn't matter. I'm getting on the bus now. No booze. That was a stupid fucking idea.

Yeah, I don't really want that anymore. That was a pretty crazy 10 to 15 minutes. Weird. What about ice cream? 

Ooh, cookies 'n cream maybe. Good call.