Monday, April 27, 2015

Fuck Leaf Blowers

I apologize for the tactless and uncouth title, but I mean it. Fuck leaf blowers. Nothing can completely alter my mood and behavior as quickly as a noisy, destructive, pointless leaf blower droning on at a painful volume in my vicinity.

I don't know how annoying you find them, but let me try to give you an idea of the level of hate I have in my heart for leaf blowers. It's like a coworker telling you a "joke" joke and then repeating the punchline over and over for 20 minutes. It's akin to a random yahoo in a car laying on his horn in one long honk as he follows you while you walk down the street. When I hear a leaf blower, it's as painful to me as being a judge in a Gilbert Gottfried impression competition in which the contestants were Andy Dick, Nancy Grace and Adnan Syed's attorney.

"You know, I think screaming babies are worse than leaf blowers." I think you should maybe look into that child hate issue you have, but all right. A crying toddler can certainly shit on your mood. Ahem. However, no mother puts their screaming baby right up against my window to torture me at home like leaf blowers do. They invade privacy and drive me mad wherever I am. There is no hiding from the madness.

My hatred of leaf blowers is so intense that I actually did research on them...not "let me inform myself" research, but more like "what asshole unleashed this scourge upon the earth" kind of research. His name was Dom Quinto. I say "was" because if there is any karma in this world, he's very dead now. Okay, actually, he introduced them in the '50's, so...pretty good chance he's not around. There is very little about who he is online, which is really odd considering the amount of information available to us online. Could it be that the real inventor is hiding his identity to protect his family from being harassed and verbally attacked due to his infernal device that constantly plagues our world? Makes sense to me, because I have the incredible urge to call the house of his relative and just go, "AAAAAAHHHH" into the phone for half an hour. I'm not alone either. Somebody has already submitted "How can I find information on Dom Quinto the person who invented the leaf blower" to Yahoo Answers years ago. I'm guessing not because they want to tell him, "Hey, great job, guy."

Leaf blowers were originally presented as chemical sprayers, but then the manufacturers found out that people were using them with the chemicals removed rather than use a broom or rake. The manufacturers went with supply and demand. So, if you've been wondering, "Hey, why does the noise of a leaf blower anger me more than say any other loud annoying motor", it's because the sound comes from the worst invention of all mankind...a byproduct of poison, laziness and capitalism, invading your life and ear drums at 102 decibels.

"Hang on...worst invention ever? What about nuclear weapons?" You would have a point except that Joe Dipshit next door doesn't own an atom bomb. But he certainly wields a goddamn leaf blower as he blows all his lawn clippings out into the street and sidewalk on a regular basis. Why? Because he's a selfish lazy douchebag who's willing to annoy and destroy just so he can have a few more minutes of PornHub time in his life.

If you're looking for a balanced, informative article/editorial on this topic, obviously this is not it. I would recommend this article by Cliff Weathers, who is certainly more level-headed about the topic of leaf blowers than I am. He presents other arguments against them regarding health and environmental issues, in case you want to legitimize the hate: more emissions than multiple automobiles, allergy inflammation, topsoil erosion, lung and ear damage, and so on. Plenty of stuff there to loathe. Hey! It's harmful to children, if that does it for you. Sure.

Cliff's article also touches on neighborhood and community bans of leaf blowers and how they're difficult to get into place and ultimately to enforce. All of that is a discussion for rational adults. After dealing with leaf blowers on a daily basis at home, work and just being outside in general, I am no longer rational. I am not calling for a ban on leaf blowers in my neighborhood, city, county, state or country. I am calling for a motherfucking witch hunt. I want an angry mob with pitchforks. I want leaf blowers drug from people's homes and off of landscaping trucks and brought to town square where we guillotine them, French Revolution-style.

Give me vigilantes and anti-leaf blower rebel forces. Every time the sound of a leaf blower interrupts our serenity, I want it ripped out of the hands of the person using it and slammed to the pavement repeatedly until it makes no more noise. Then that person is handed a broom and told, "Suck it up, you lazy shit." Unless it's a person working with a landscaping company...then they're told, "Lo siento."

How happy would you be to see a leaf blower getting curb stomped? I would totally Instagram that shit.

If you can get angry enough, we can do something about this once and for all. The nightmare can end today.

Fuck them.